I don't really feel like writing about houses today. My precious little apartment feels a bit empty with just me inside of it.
"Sometimes we don't see certain things
until we're ready to see them in a certain way" author unknown
I think I've determined that my capacity for love and eagerness for affection is a bit too much for most men. I truly don't know how to half-ass relationships. My friends can tell you this too - when I let you into my life, you've pretty much entered the black hole, well let's rename that the fuchsia whole (it sounds much sweeter that way) and there's no way out. . .ever. I'm there, at 3am when you don't have anyone else, my phone is always on. When you need someone to make you laugh, I'll be there doing something stupid, without a doubt. When you don't understand why things turn out the way they do, I'll be there to hold your hand and always tell you that everything serendipitously happens for a reason (even if that reason chooses to hide itself for awhile). And then. . .when you've discarded me for whatever reason, whether it be distance or a juvenile argument about something both of us have long forgotten, I'll still be there.
"I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person that I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else." Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
I blame all this on my Dad of course. . .I think having him pass at such a young age made me into this incredibly forgiving person that hates to lose anyone, ever, under any circumstances. I forgive too easily, sometimes this is a good thing, other times it means people who aren't really special in any way get to remain in my life, even for no other reason than to continuously hurt me. Its taken me a long time to realize that certain people don't deserve this kind of love and admiration. Then, when you give it them anyway, incessantly and unceasingly no less, they begin to expect it, take advantage of it and then eventually take it for granted that you'll always be around.
"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." Peter Ustinov
I seem to know in an instant whether or not I like you as a human. Perhaps my job, meeting so many people on such a daily basis has made me a good judge of character. Real character, not just the side that people choose to share. At the same time, just because someone is a decent human being, that doesn't make them deserve the regard that I seem to chastise them with, or does it?
"For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow." Antoine de Saint-ExuperyI'm obsessive in friendships, obsessive in love. Let's call it passion - that sounds much nicer. I don't know how to make myself distant, how not to lay it all out there immediately. So when I decide that I want you in my life you better be ready for all that goes along with it or else you should have some good walking shoes on so that you can swiftly turn in the opposite direction and get away quickly, before I have a chance to sweetly pull you back in. I guess I've just never understood why couples don't remain friends after they've broken up. I mean initially its very hard of course, but after all the hurt and pain have subsided, unless there was cheating or something else horrid involved, shouldn't the friendship that was there at the beginning be able to withstand everything else, hold out, turn something broken into a nice collage of something whole again?
"Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself." Leo Buscaglia
"Its not easy being in a relationship, much less to truly know the other person and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage. . .it always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all. . .nothing, it hurts so much. Here it is: one more one less, another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this, well yes I'll bump into him, we'll meet each others boyfriend and girlfriend and act as if we've never been together then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely, almost. Always the same for me, break up, break down, drink up, fool around, meet one guy and then another - fuck around while trying to forget the one and only. Then after a few months, decide to start to look again for true love, desperately look everywhere and after 2 years of loneliness meet another one and swear he's the one, until that one is gone as well. There comes a moment in life when you can't recover anymore from another breakup and even if this person bugs you 60% of the time well you still can't live without them. And even if he wakes you up by sneezing in your face every morning, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses." - Julie Delpy (2 Days in Paris)
I used to give all this without thinking. I used to hand over my heart to every boss, family member, friend, and lover that came along with an attitude that you know what, here I am: me, all of me, on a silver platter, take all of it. Even if you don't want anymore than a taste, or hell, even if you want to turn your nose up at the whole entire dish, well that's ok. Why? Because gifts are more special for the giver than the receiver, and its the thought that counts. Part of me has learned how unsafe that is. How much trouble you get yourself into when you keep giving away everything to everyone. Now I'm trying to learn to just give pieces away. Little glimpses into my soul every now and then, when you deserve to see, when you're ready to see. This is really difficult. I hate the entire principle surrounding this: give when the person is ready to give something back, or worse, already has. It seems so against every basic Christian belief I have about perfect love. I hate this lesson.
"It is better to trust and sometimes be disappointed than to be forever mistrusting and be right occasionally" author unknown
"There are few of us secure enough in love to offer it without proper encouragement" Jane Austen (Pride & Prejudice)
So what do you do when someone comes along who seems so incapable of opening up? You know they care, you know they'll make the stupid effort to text, or call, or email. . .but the simple tidings of joy, the "I miss you"s or the sweet conversation interruptions of "baby" and "darlin" or "sugar" just don't seem to come? I don't trust too much of that of course, there is a fine line. I don't want another man to tell me about my gorgeous green eyes or to leave my house and 2 minutes later text to say they miss me already. Those things are too good to be true, honest insincerity. But I do need some encouragement, sometime. I hate that its come to that, I truly do. I just don't trust myself otherwise. I guess that's where Serendipity and Faith have to join together and play an equal part, or rather, my belief in them both.
"Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse" author unknownSo today I'm waiting. I don't feel too hot after all - stomach churnings. So I'm curled up on the couch with Allouiscious the kitten, until I feel less sick and more willing to get up and do some work. I'm trying to not think too much, to not care too much and its hard, truly difficult. Mostly because I don't believe that we, as women should live our lives according to books like "He's Just Not That Into You". I think we're born to be mothers, bosses, lovers, sisters, friends, wives, teachers, nurses-created with this overwhelming capacity to nurture everyone around us. You only get out of something what you put into it, right?
So maybe, just maybe the secret is exactly that: LOVE - love all the time, everyone you meet. You don't have to tell them (because society has somehow desecrated that word and turned it into something frightening instead of pure perfection) but you damn well have to show it. Actions speak louder than words, always, even the best words.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him" Groucho Marx
all images from here