Monday, July 07, 2008

4th of July
Oh what can I say. . .is a holiday really complete without an avalanche of tears? I think not.
Let's just suffice it to say that the past week from last Monday to this have been hell on wheels. My heart is breaking, shattering, explosively dynamiting itself wondrously, just like the fireworks Friday night.
Divorce is not cool. I can't explain that enough. Whether you're married (like my bff) or whether you're just feeling the pangs of a soul-to-soul relationship that seems destined for God only knows what (like me), the feeling of losing someone precious is one that isn't easily dealt with.

Losing a child is not cool. Again, could not be said enough. This precious but very tormented little one that I speak of doesn't deserve what he's going to have to endure in the coming months. For my own little one (lost in April) thanks be to the big guy up there for not making her endure any of this life that can be so fabulous and yet so traumatically scorching just like the rays on the water.
This year has been a tough one. The past week has been both the best and the worst of it I think.

Why is it that the people we love the most are the ones we hurt the most too?
Why do things turn out the way they do?
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could just sit down, face to literal face with the man upstairs and ask why. I wish I could understand why love isn't always enough and simultaneously why it is everything and all that we need. I wish I could rewind time and say all the unsaid things. I wish I could fast forward on the DVD player of life and see that "it all works out ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end". I wish that my prince charming didn't have such a big heart that makes him feel like he has to take care of everyone before himself. Much more than that, I wish that I weren't so strong that I make everyone believe that I can get through anything without needing them.
When I was the little one, broken from the divorce and the death and the tears, I hated magicians. I used to say that God was the only one that held the capacity to truly perform magical miracles.

I only just realized that magicians only have their power as long as you don't question them, as long as you aren't looking for the answers hidden behind their backs, asking all the time: "how?" or "why did he do that?"
So I end today with hope, with faith, with the belief that whatever magician orchestrated this beautiful universe we live in, can finish this symphony with a stunningly gorgeous ending. The crescendos have served their purpose, now its time for the melodic finale to transform this song into something more perfect. . .too perfect in fact.

"faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark"
Rabindranath Tagore

all other images are mine


Kristin said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through troubled times. I do think that your faith in the good is admirable.

Lucy @ Attic24 said...

I am sending you a huuuuuuge hug, I hope the days become brighter for you very soon.